OPDHBC

I'm confident America has gone absolutely bonkers, I'm tired, and I'm leaving for Rwanda on Monday. So, what better distraction than to talk about the dentist!

Even though I am at the new, competent, dentist, I still hate going. I don't exactly have a great history of dental care and concern, as evidenced here, here and here. But whatever, because I am occasionally compliant, I do in fact go for 6 month cleanings and check-ups. However, because dentistry will forever remain low on my priority list, I always schedule a visit for before work, because there is no way I am using work time for that crap. Also, I still, despite the cavities and the root canal, never floss until approximately one week before the visit, because frankly, I'm not convinced that not flossing caused any of those problems. Certainly, no dentist is going to convince me that not flossing has caused more damage than the stress-grinding that I do nearly every night on my teeth with such force that I've literally bitten through one mouth-guard. I'm the freaking Mike Tyson of sleep-biting, I kid you not.

Anyway, so this morning I had a the first appointment of the day at Josh's. I know, he's Doctor Josh C, DDS, but I cannot bring myself to call him doctor, and he's spent enough time with me in the last two years that if we aren't on a first name basis, that's a bigger problem than me not referring to him as Doctor. Plus, he's a dentist.

Someone remind me in the future that I really should drink coffee before I go to the dentist, despite the consequences. Yet, I never do, and then am perpetually slammed in the coffee-less face by overly perky, young cute extrovert mega-talk dental hygienist. This one this morning was especially outgoing and slightly batty, with the three-finger handshake of Victorian ladies that makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Also, within 5 minutes of sitting down, she managed to tell me that she's originally from Oakland, but really, she's from Colorado because she was born in Oakland but moved here when she was a baby an doesn't remember Oakland and really, now she's been here for almost 24 years so that's almost like being a native, right, and...

OH. MY. LORD. STOP. TALKING.

Oh, and you are young. I get it. You were probably the top of the pyramid on your cheerleading squad too, right?

Seriously, nothing makes me feel more like Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club or Janeane Garofalo in Romi and Michelle's High School Reunion like an overly perky dental hygienist at 8 in the freaking morning before I've had my fix from Gevalia, or Starbucks, or whoever the roast of the day is. I am totally over you and your pink bubblegum tooth polish and your floss.

Except she knows where I work and the dentist office loves my office, so I have to be nice. Mental note: find another dentist. They are out-of-network in your insurance anyway and you only go there because you are lazy and they are literally across the street.

As it turns out, the OPDHBC (overly-perky dental hygienist before coffee) can't, in fact, work on the cleaning and talk at the same time, so she spent a lot of time just sitting in the chair next to me talking, then stopping and doing something in my mouth, then stopping work again to say something inane. It was nearly as bad as the water pick they use to blast the plaque off your teeth.

Also, Josh got a partner. New dentist, this one with a beard! Seriously, OPDHBC told me his name but I didn't retain it. They both peered into my mouth and made noises about teeth, and the BOTH proceeded to tell me that I have "good home care" and my "teeth look good."

Suckers.

See above, and the flossing only a week before. I told you this stuff was made up witch-doctor nonsense!

They asked if I wanted a fluoride treatment.

No, thank you, I'll pass on that. I have city water.

I really, REALLY should drink coffee next time.

OPDHBC gave me another three-finger handshake on my way out. I'm pretty sure she would have hugged me, had it not been totally unprofessional (and, despite this post, I was nice to her.)